Not too long ago I wrote a post about time not being on my side. That is quite true but I came to the realization (right before I started writing this post actually) that there is another reason why I haven’t written much here. Usually I want to have a focus on positive, motivational or inspirational posts with the very occasional rant but lately that has been difficult. Difficulty in trying to be positive through all the drama, stress and lemons always thrown at me. I have lost my positivity a couple months ago and I have become on edge and funless.
I haven’t worked on my book, I haven’t had much sleep, I barely write on my blogs and social media has taken a back seat. I rarely even check my email anymore. I was on the path to build up my “writing” resume but that has been also put aside. All I want to do is mess with my garden, it’s the only thing that takes me from the drama in my life. It is my only escape.
Literally everyday something stressful would happen so I haven’t had the chance to get through each moment without another thing happening. I need to have time to process what is happening. In the past three months or so everything has built up and caused me to be crabby and bitter.
I am starting to not care anymore. I can’t bring myself to feel the pain of everything that has happened. Missing too many people either from death or them moving far away has been too hard to handle. I just don’t have the strength anymore.
A week ago my oldest child and her two children abruptly moved four hours away. I had no time to get grips on getting through the hurt and pain I felt. I felt a lot of anger, angry at a few people I believe heavily influenced her decision. And she says she will probably move back here but deep inside I don’t think it’ll happen. I am grieving. I can’t kiss and hug them everyday or laugh with them everyday or snuggle my two month old grandson everyday. It is a huge loss for me.
Everyone in my household expects me to be fine and happy all the time, how can I when I lose so much and half of my family is gone? They all seem so shocked when I am crabby or edgy. I am expected to always be strong. People in my life perceive me as some kind of super woman. Some days I can be but lately I have been feeling emotionally weak.
My kids and grandkids are all I really have when I think about it. Sure I have my husband, friends and siblings (recently found out my brother is moving 2500 miles away) but my marriage isn’t the best, it’s difficult to be social due to my kids and husband demanding so much of my time and siblings live over three hours from me. It really is Ok, I have made the decision that my kids come before my friends. It is just some days I really want to have a conversation with a friend without being interrupted by my kids or husband.
Yesterday I saw a Neuro Optometrist, he specializes in neck trauma which can affect the eyes. He had to ask me several questions and one was, “have you experienced depression and/or anxiety?” Well I do know I have anxiety but depression hasn’t been an issue for me. But lately, past six months or so, I have been slowly getting depressed and I am quite sure it is because I have been in chronic pain for over two years. My leg doesn’t function like it should, I have pain from head to toe which can get quite unbearable at times and this all usually goes on 24/7. I have also felt loss because of that. Can’t work, can’t run, can’t walk far without a cane, can’t clean and garden for hours straight and many other things. For awhile I had the I can attitude but I need to be realistic here. There’s several things I really cannot do.
I am so so so tired. Beyond tired, I am exhausted. Most nights I get 3-4 hours of sleep. Suddenly I wake around 2 or 3 in the morning and I would be wide awake. My husband tells me to go back to sleep, all I want to say to him is “duh, don’t you think I would if I could?!?” He doesn’t understand my insomnia or physical pain. When I tell him I am so extremely tired he doesn’t really get it. Hence why I really cannot make lemonade when life throws lemons at me.