Life Is Handing Me Lemons, Too Tired To Make Lemonade

Not too long ago I wrote a post about time not being on my side. That is quite true but I came to the realization (right before I started writing this post actually) that there is another reason why I haven’t written much here. Usually I want to have a focus on positive, motivational or inspirational posts with the very occasional rant but lately that has been difficult. Difficulty in trying to be positive through all the drama, stress and lemons always thrown at me. I have lost my positivity a couple months ago and I have become on edge and funless.

I haven’t worked on my book, I haven’t had much sleep, I barely write on my blogs and social media has taken a back seat. I rarely even check my email anymore. I was on the path to build up my “writing” resume but that has been also put aside. All I want to do is mess with my garden, it’s the only thing that takes me from the drama in my life. It is my only escape.

Literally everyday something stressful would happen so I haven’t had the chance to get through each moment without another thing happening. I need to have time to process what is happening. In the past three months or so everything has built up and caused me to be crabby and bitter.

I am starting to not care anymore. I can’t bring myself to feel the pain of everything that has happened. Missing too many people either from death or them moving far away has been too hard to handle. I just don’t have the strength anymore.

A week ago my oldest child and her two children abruptly moved four hours away. I had no time to get grips on getting through the hurt and pain I felt. I felt a lot of anger, angry at a few people I believe heavily influenced her decision. And she says she will probably move back here but deep inside I don’t think it’ll happen. I am grieving. I can’t kiss and hug them everyday or laugh with them everyday or snuggle my two month old grandson everyday. It is a huge loss for me.

Everyone in my household expects me to be fine and happy all the time, how can I when I lose so much and half of my family is gone? They all seem so shocked when I am crabby or edgy. I am expected to always be strong. People in my life perceive me as some kind of super woman. Some days I can be but lately I have been feeling emotionally weak.

My kids and grandkids are all I really have when I think about it. Sure I have my husband, friends and siblings (recently found out my brother is moving 2500 miles away) but my marriage isn’t the best, it’s difficult to be social due to my kids and husband demanding so much of my time and siblings live over three hours from me. It really is Ok, I have made the decision that my kids come before my friends. It is just some days I really want to have a conversation with a friend without being interrupted by my kids or husband.

Yesterday I saw a Neuro Optometrist, he specializes in neck trauma which can affect the eyes. He had to ask me several questions and one was, “have you experienced depression and/or anxiety?” Well I do know I have anxiety but depression hasn’t been an issue for me. But lately, past six months or so, I have been slowly getting depressed and I am quite sure it is because I have been in chronic pain for over two years. My leg doesn’t function like it should, I have pain from head to toe which can get quite unbearable at times and this all usually goes on 24/7. I have also felt loss because of that. Can’t work, can’t run, can’t walk far without a cane, can’t clean and garden for hours straight and many other things. For awhile I had the I can attitude but I need to be realistic here. There’s several things I really cannot do.

I am so so so tired. Beyond tired, I am exhausted. Most nights I get 3-4 hours of sleep. Suddenly I wake around 2 or 3 in the morning and I would be wide awake. My husband tells me to go back to sleep, all I want to say to him is “duh, don’t you think I would if I could?!?” He doesn’t understand my insomnia or physical pain. When I tell him I am so extremely tired he doesn’t really get it. Hence why I really cannot make lemonade when life throws lemons at me.


4 thoughts on “Life Is Handing Me Lemons, Too Tired To Make Lemonade

  1. You do have a best friend that really cares about you more than anything. That best friend is you. You need to be a best friend to yourself. You need to make friends with yourself, care for yourself more, you have to have yourself come first. Your life is revolving around everyone and everything else, thus that is what is getting you down. Once you set yourself as the priority, you’ll never get let down again.
    You say that all that is interesting you is your garden? Then, that is where you should be. Concentrate on your garden, the soil, the earth, your flowers, any veggies or fruit? Your garden can be you best friend. It attracts butterflies and other comical bugs. Watch them. Enjoy them. Study them. watch how they live their lives and struggle each and every day. It must be wonderful and so fulfilling to plant something, whether from a seed or a seedling and care for it and watch it grow, blossom and bloom. Your garden is always with you. Comes back season after season and will always give you joy and satisfaction.

    We can not control other people’s lives, nor can we expect them to always be there for us or take care of us. Become your own best friend. Whatever it is that interests you, do it. regardless of how slight or insignificant. It’s significant to you. That’s what matters. Take care of your health. Pamper yourself. Be kind and good to yourself.

    If your oldest child moved 4 hours away, you will still see her but not as often. Be thankful she didn’t move to the moon or someplace impossible. You’ll get through this and each and every visit will be more joyful and special.

    If you don’t feel like being happy and perky then, don’t be. Be what YOU want to be and how you feel. Want to feel meloncholy for a while, feel it. But resolve that it’s just a fleeting feeling and it’ll be gone when ready. Same with feeling edgy or crabby or whatever…..feel the feelings. If you feel tired, rule out health issues or lack of vitamins or whatever, and if all is well, sleep. Or just find a snuggly spot in your garden and relax there.

    Just know you are not alone. We all feel like this during our lifetime. I can only tell you what worked for me and that was to make myself my own best friend. I have kids and siblings and friends, all of whom move and make changes to their own lives. The only thing constant in my life, has been myself. I am my own best, best friend. For me, photography is my passion. I feel the best when I have a camera in my hand. Hopefully, your garden can give you joy.

    Good luck.

    • Thank you so much! That is exactly what I needed.
      I have been forgetting about my needs for awhile now. Maybe I am starting to get angry about that. When I try to write someone needs me, even when I am tending my garden or even taking a bath I get interrupted!
      I think people look at me like the type that can be positive and strong through everything. Lately it is too hard to be that person that I always have been. They all act like they aren’t sure what to think.
      Maybe this is just a short time in my life where so much is piling on my plate at the same time. Maybe it’ll pass, I hope so anyway.
      I truly have been amazed at how I was able to start several vegetable plants from seed and have them all grow and thrive. It really is a huge sense of accomplishment for me. Very satisfying. I’m excited that several tomatoes, green beans and peppers are forming along with heads of cabbage. I really wish others in my home could feel the same excitement as me though.
      Some days as my youngest daughter plays outside I am messing with the garden on and off for hours and hours. I forget that there is housework to do! And I forget about life’s drama.

      Once again I appreciate what you wrote. It all made me remember myself and my needs. And I needed that confirmation that it really is Ok to feel crabby sometimes!

      • It’s YOUR garden. You can’t expect other to be excited the same as you. Ditto with my photographs. Some of them give me such joy but when I show them to others, they simply shrug.
        This is YOUR life. Grab it, take care of it and enjoy it. Lock the bathroom door when you take a bath. If someone interrupts you while working in your garden, simply tell them that you will get to them AFTER you finish tending to YOUR garden. Politely tell them, that this is YOUR TIME now, and they must respect that.
        Good luck. And if you can, post some of your garden pics. Hope you get to home canning. Or just create the most delish veggie dish on the planet and share it with yourself! YOU deserve it.

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