A Time to Let Go

Much of the time divorce and break ups can be heartbreaking and can take a long time to fully heal. Some cases the ex was a toxic person, maybe even abusive. Yet we still want them back and our hearts ache to be back with them.

Why do we continue to love that person and want them back so badly?? Some say that person keeps you hooked just enough so you don’t fully let them go. Some say we may have a hard time breaking the “addiction” to them. For me, the person fed me promises of working on things again and blah blah blah. I was a fool to think it was true and from his heart. His actions contradicted what he had told me. That’s when I realized there was no truth behind what he fed me and it’s painful. I have been working on letting him go and it’s been difficult but it’s needed so I can completely move on.

The main thing that’s helping me to let go is to remember the bad times and to let go of the good times. That deep love is fading which is setting me free. Soon I will be who I was a year ago and regain what I had.

1.Keep busy!!! This is important.

2.Remember the bad times and the reasons why you would never go back with them. Write a list if you need to.

3. Focus on self-improvement and self-care

4. Focus on your family and friends

5. Stay positive. Positive thoughts bring positive things.

6. Focus on moving up in your career or if you are unhappy with your job then do what you have always dreamed of doing. Maybe go back to college or pursue a certificate.

7. Everything happens for a reason. They aren’t with you anymore and you are single. And what does that mean?? Means now your door is open for someone who truly deserves you.

Also, remember it is OKAY TO BE SINGLE for even a few years or longer. Don’t feel pressured from those around you to date or jump into a relationship. You need to heal and then take your time to improve yourself and your life.

The Point of Discovery

Have you ever gone through life just living day to day, going with the flow of what society expects of you? Way I have been feeling for a long time. I felt like I had to be a certain way, do certain things, be a perfect parent. And you want to know where that got me? Full of stress and anxiety. Over the past 5 or 6 years I have changed drastically for the better and now I am at that point I will make the decisions that I feel are best for me and my family. I will not conform to what society believes I should be nor will I stress about being the perfect parent.

Also, discovering there’s ways to help guide me to what I dream of obtaining has given me relief. I know what I need to do and how to reach the goals. I will do it and I am sure there will be obstacles but I can get past them.

I have been learning this thing they call Manifestation and Law of Attraction. At first I was skeptical as it seems many are from the beginning. But I became a believer after I noticed something. That something is when one thing goes wrong say shortly after we wake in the morning we think “oh I see how this day is going to start off” or “I have a feeling today is going to be a bad day”. Coffee maker isn’t working, you can’t find your keys, your kid is throwing massive fits, your dog decided to chew up your expensive shoes…..then more things go wrong like you get flat tire on your way to work. You finally get to work and computer is on the fritz, copy machine will not work. It’s on going all day. At this point you are just a hot mess and frazzled! Now this all could’ve possibly been avoided by trying to be more POSITIVE to begin with. Think negative and negative will happen. Think positive and positive will happen. After I noticed this over the course of a few months I became a believer. It has made me more at peace and less stressed.

I do manisfestation meditation at least once a week. And no it’s not to be a millionaire or have have have. It’s more of helping me to get to my goals of what I have dreamt about since I was a teenager. I am starting the plan now even though it’s overwhelming and a bit scary but my intuition is screaming at me to just do it! I am on the path of obtaining land and building my dream log cabin. To life off grid or partial off grid. It may take 2,3 or even 4 years to reach the goal but I will get there. With manifestation meditation I envision what I would like to have and I release any negative energy that I feel in myself. It really works and I feel so good afterwards.

I am writing this in hopes that maybe this will help someone who is feeling stuck or hopeless. Never lose hope. May take years and a lot of hard times to get to where you want to be but those hard times can be a blessing in disguise.

(I wrote this at 2 a.m. while experiencing insomnia…please don’t judge if this post isn’t perfectly written or grammatically correct. Thanks 😊)

It Has Been Way Too Long!

I am going to keep this short and sweet :). Life has been constantly changing and busy (sometimes chaotic). Certain things got put on the back burner to allow my focus to be put on the other things that would continue to pop up. I have had many struggles and have had to handle many things that I never in my life thought would happen.

I am determined to try to post here as often as I can. I really enjoyed interacting with all the great blog writers I met. And reading so many wonderfully written posts here.

I want to keep this blog alive because it was something I loved doing. Writing and expressing thoughts and sharing my experiences. I may take this blog on a different path then previously but it will be all about family, home and life in general.

The Spinning is Slowly Slowing Down

Over the course of I would say the past year or so life has spun and has spun so fast and out of control that I had to put many things on the back burner. My focus was on trying to hold things together in my life, I failed and became lost and depressed. I am slowly coming back and finding myself again. I will not allow anyone to squash my goals or purposely remove my focus on what I need and want to do with my life.

Each little thing that has happened over the course of few years  became larger and larger. Many issues I would try to fix which did nothing but cause me more grief, pain and hurt. Unresolved issues I could no longer ignore or tolerate when I saw there was no change for the better. I still wanted to try, try to hold on and hope that what was happening would get better. Hoping for so long,  I put so much focus on trying and hoping for something I now know was in vain. Because what used to be was lost and I will never see that again. I am grieving for what was, my heart hurts and I am dealing with a roller coaster ride of emotions. However, I am taking it all day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Right at this moment I can say I am okay.

My goal is to start off with baby steps to get to where I was, to the person that I used to be. That is the way it needs to be done, too much at once leads to losing focus on goals and plans. My daily priorities have changed drastically and really I never know what my days will bring. I wake every morning feeling positive that the day will be a wonderful one. Issues surface that would be unexpected. Many of them could be avoided however, I don’t usually have control or the strength to get through the issues.

I know I am being vague in details but for now that is the way I feel I need to be, is vague. At a later time I will share more.

I Am Back!

It has been quite awhile since I have been on here. So many changes both good and bad, overwhelming and stressful things were happening. My mind was so full of thoughts on “how am I going to fix this issue or fix that issue??” It was constant, I could not write about anything anymore. I felt as though I lost all creativity due to the fact that my mind was swarming with so many other thoughts.

I have had 2 hours of sleep so maybe what I am saying doesn’t even make sense to anyone. My insomnia has slowly gotten worse but I refuse to take sleep aids (I’m on enough meds).

I am hoping some of you who I have had the pleasure of getting to know (and my followers) are still here writing your blogs. I will be checking out blog posts after I take a much needed nap.

My Gardening Obsession Part 2

So this is the second part to a two part post. As of now I have begun harvesting purple cabbage, kohlrabi, peas and green (and burgundy) beans. Oh and a few tomatoes and sweet peppers. Everything else is taking its sweet ol’ time.

Pea flower

Attempt at square foot gardening. A little too full I think. Kohlrabi, broccoli, celery and a couple sweet pepper.

The dew on a broccoli leaf looks like glitter.

Sugar snap pea plants. The trellis is 5+ feet high, the plants tower over it!

Flowering cilantro

Two varieties of pepper plants. Realized we shouldn't have planted different varieties so close together, oops!

Flowering dill, cauliflower in the background

My Gardening Obsession Part 1

A follower of my blog requested/suggested I share some photos of my garden.

I will be splitting them up into two posts due to having several to share. The following photos were taken within a span of a couple weeks.

Edible crysanthemum

Green Bean Flower

Flowering sweet pepper plants

Red cabbage plants and some radish seedlings

Mariachi and gypsy pepper plants

More to come soon……keep an eye out 🙂

Life Is Handing Me Lemons, Too Tired To Make Lemonade

Not too long ago I wrote a post about time not being on my side. That is quite true but I came to the realization (right before I started writing this post actually) that there is another reason why I haven’t written much here. Usually I want to have a focus on positive, motivational or inspirational posts with the very occasional rant but lately that has been difficult. Difficulty in trying to be positive through all the drama, stress and lemons always thrown at me. I have lost my positivity a couple months ago and I have become on edge and funless.

I haven’t worked on my book, I haven’t had much sleep, I barely write on my blogs and social media has taken a back seat. I rarely even check my email anymore. I was on the path to build up my “writing” resume but that has been also put aside. All I want to do is mess with my garden, it’s the only thing that takes me from the drama in my life. It is my only escape.

Literally everyday something stressful would happen so I haven’t had the chance to get through each moment without another thing happening. I need to have time to process what is happening. In the past three months or so everything has built up and caused me to be crabby and bitter.

I am starting to not care anymore. I can’t bring myself to feel the pain of everything that has happened. Missing too many people either from death or them moving far away has been too hard to handle. I just don’t have the strength anymore.

A week ago my oldest child and her two children abruptly moved four hours away. I had no time to get grips on getting through the hurt and pain I felt. I felt a lot of anger, angry at a few people I believe heavily influenced her decision. And she says she will probably move back here but deep inside I don’t think it’ll happen. I am grieving. I can’t kiss and hug them everyday or laugh with them everyday or snuggle my two month old grandson everyday. It is a huge loss for me.

Everyone in my household expects me to be fine and happy all the time, how can I when I lose so much and half of my family is gone? They all seem so shocked when I am crabby or edgy. I am expected to always be strong. People in my life perceive me as some kind of super woman. Some days I can be but lately I have been feeling emotionally weak.

My kids and grandkids are all I really have when I think about it. Sure I have my husband, friends and siblings (recently found out my brother is moving 2500 miles away) but my marriage isn’t the best, it’s difficult to be social due to my kids and husband demanding so much of my time and siblings live over three hours from me. It really is Ok, I have made the decision that my kids come before my friends. It is just some days I really want to have a conversation with a friend without being interrupted by my kids or husband.

Yesterday I saw a Neuro Optometrist, he specializes in neck trauma which can affect the eyes. He had to ask me several questions and one was, “have you experienced depression and/or anxiety?” Well I do know I have anxiety but depression hasn’t been an issue for me. But lately, past six months or so, I have been slowly getting depressed and I am quite sure it is because I have been in chronic pain for over two years. My leg doesn’t function like it should, I have pain from head to toe which can get quite unbearable at times and this all usually goes on 24/7. I have also felt loss because of that. Can’t work, can’t run, can’t walk far without a cane, can’t clean and garden for hours straight and many other things. For awhile I had the I can attitude but I need to be realistic here. There’s several things I really cannot do.

I am so so so tired. Beyond tired, I am exhausted. Most nights I get 3-4 hours of sleep. Suddenly I wake around 2 or 3 in the morning and I would be wide awake. My husband tells me to go back to sleep, all I want to say to him is “duh, don’t you think I would if I could?!?” He doesn’t understand my insomnia or physical pain. When I tell him I am so extremely tired he doesn’t really get it. Hence why I really cannot make lemonade when life throws lemons at me.

Beauty After The Storm

Fireball in the sky.

After our first “juicy” storm of this year I took these photos.
                 

Was a double rainbow. One of them disappeared right before I took photo. Taken on other side of dock

We were about to go fishing and of course it took awhile to get everyone ready to go. Longer than usual actually. Right when we were about to walk out the door the flood gates released from the dark sky. Following was a downpour of mini hail balls and high wind gusts.

I almost always check the current and near future radar before we head out but this time I didn’t.

And when I think about it, it was actually a good thing it took longer than usual for everyone to get ready. Otherwise we would’ve been stuck in rain, wind and hail.

Blogging Awards!

I have finally been able to do this award post. My apologies to clumsyfool for taking so long to post this.

I am so thankful to be nominated for the above awards by clumsyfool http://clumsyfool.wordpress.com/ ! I enjoy reading his posts. Please take a moment to check it out.

Rule was to pick the awards from the seven that was listed. I picked the above three, unsure if they pertain to my blog though. I am quite modest so it was difficult to pick them. Very interesting concept though. I haven’t come across being able to pick my own awards before.

The Liebster award is for bloggers who have less than 200 followers and from what I found out liebster means “favorite” in German.

I am sure The Interesting Blog award is pretty much self explanatory. I feel as though I provide interesting content, I could be wrong though. Feel free to express your opinion about my blog in the comment section. But be nice and considerate. There is always room for improvement.

As far as The Seed Of Light award goes I think it means just that. Planting the seed of inspiration and creativity.

As I have done before I cannot pick certain blogs to nominate. I follow so many, about 140+. How can I pick just a handful to give these awards to?

You all are creative, talented, deep and many times literally make me laugh out loud. I relate to many of you. I am thankful I have found such a wonderful community of bloggers.

And to my followers, I appreciate all of you who take the time to read my rants, thoughts and details of my life. I never thought so many people would be interested in reading my ramblings.