As I take a shower or wash dishes I find that a hundred thoughts go through my mind, from the very mundane to the very important. Sometimes my thoughts don’t make sense, they sometimes flow from thinking about letting the dog out to wondering if my 20 year old is really okay. My mind is constantly scattered which makes me so tired. I cannot stop the thoughts. Takes me about two hours to fall asleep every night due to my constant thinking.
It is the worst when I am driving. My thoughts about how the towns should fix the roads to wondering how so many horrible drivers received their license. They swerve into the other lane, I wonder if they are intoxicated.
I analyze, try to fix things, and wonder. I wonder about everything. Is everyone truly okay? Am I ever going to be rid of my chronic pain and foot drop? Is my 5 year old going to inherit ADHD due to her dad/my husband having a severe case of it? Did me taking Celexa while pregnant cause her to have issues? Will all my kids be successful and happy? All those questions flow together and are thought about within a short span of time, maybe a couple minutes tops.
When someone in my life acts out or is slowly getting more angry over a span of a few years I try to figure out what could be really wrong. Sometimes I can’t pinpoint it and when I inquire about it I don’t get real honest answers. I wonder what makes them tick, childhood, being jaded, pessimistic personality, or anger issue. I try to think of ways to help them to better themselves, I have this urge to fix them. Maybe it is the motherly instinct that drives me to want to “fix” my loved ones.
Sometimes my thoughts turn to worry, I do my best to not worry but my best isn’t enough. When my older daughters wouldn’t come home on time the worst case scenario would go through my mind repeatedly. Now I know what my mother meant when she would tell me, ” I thought you were dead in a ditch! Don’t you ever come home late again!” And I would usually think that my mother was just an overreacting worry wart. But it’s true, those thoughts immediately enter my mind and I get anxious then angry. My thoughts wouldn’t subside until they would walk through the door unscathed, then after their explanation I would repeat what my mother said to me and I would ground them.
I have come to terms with the constant thoughts, I cannot change it therefore I just need to deal with it. It is a part of who I am and it always has been.
Photo credit: deadstar 2.1 / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND Woman w/ Brain
Photo credit: Luke Andrew Scowen 2009 / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND Speed of Light